Subway Coronavirus Precautions, Dinosaur DNA, and Twitter’s Fleets Feature | The Daily Show
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Subway Coronavirus Precautions, Dinosaur DNA, and Twitter’s Fleets Feature | The Daily Show

The coronavirus. The disease is now
officially in 85 countries, and it has
over 95,000 confirmed cases. And it’s the reason
even white people have switched to the fist bump. “And explode.” Now, here in New York,
because the city is so crowded, the risk of coronavirus
is especially dangerous. Because, you see,
if corona can make it here, it can make it anywhere. (laughter) And that’s why city officials
are taking action. NEWSWOMAN: The MTA stepping up
its cleaning efforts to prevent the spread of the
coronavirus on public transit. Workers are disinfecting
427 subway stations, wiping down the turnstiles, handrails and ticket
vending machines daily. In addition
to that daily cleaning, the MTA says its full fleet
of subways, trains and buses will be sanitized
every 72 hours. That’s right. New York is
to keep the subway clean to protect riders
from spreading coronavirus. Which is a noble instinct,
but good luck trying to keep the New York
subway system clean. Yeah. You can actually hear
that paper towel screaming. (screams) (laughter and applause) And by the way,
maybe I’m just noticing it now, but, like, was I the only one
who was like, “Wait, now they’re cleaning
the subway?” (cheering and applause) Like… What were they doing before? “Oh, well, now we’ll clean it
every 72…” What were you doing before? Although that video
is a little bit funny because it actually looks like
we’re cleaning up so we can impress
the coronavirus when it
arrives. Yeah. So the corona’s
gonna come on the subway like, “Wow, is this for me?” But for real, though,
everyone on the subway is taking the threat seriously. If you ride the trains,
you know what I’m talking
about. People are avoiding handrails. The rats are wearing
little hazmat suits. Yeah.
Even the subway masturbators have switched from lotion
to Purell. Yeah. It burns, but it’s responsible. And remember,
you have to do it long enough to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. All right, let’s move on,
because while humans are
worried about getting wiped off
the planet, there’s another species
that might be coming back. Scientists say that they’ve
discovered dinosaur DNA along with
other biological material in a fossilized skull
in Montana. The skull belonged
to a Hypacrosaurus, which was a plant-eating
duckbill dinosaur which has been extinct
for around 66 million years. Now, DNA is only expected
to survive a million years, so if the discovery
is confirmed, it would change
our understanding of biology. Okay, it may change
your understanding of biology. I already didn’t know any
of that shit. (laughter) What I do understand
is for the first time ever, they found actual dinosaur DNA. And, guys,
if-if we have dinosaur DNA, we have to make Jurassic Park. I mean… Yeah, no, look, I-I know. I know we’ve seen the movies. I know how it’s gonna end. But those first two days
are gonna be dope. (laughter) It’s gonna be so much fun. (cheering and applause) Like, if my options are dying
from coronavirus or a velociraptor,
I know what I’m choosing. Yeah, gas up that bubble thing. Let’s do this, baby. You know, I actually… I
actually feel bad for dinosaurs if we bring them back, you
know? ‘Cause everyone assumes
that if they’ll return, they’ll kill us
and take over the world, but shit has changed,
my friends. Yeah. The fast-food industry
does not mess around. Yeah, once Popeyes sees a big, meaty animal
walking around? Yeah, it’s two weeks
until we’re all like… ♪ Love that T. rex
from Popeyes. ♪ (laughter and applause) And imagine… Can you imagine what
it would be like for a
dinosaur? ‘Cause we’re always like,
“Dinosaurs could come back.” But we’re expecting them.
For them, if they come back in modern times,
there’s gonna be one dinosaur, the first one
looking around like, “Everything is so different. “There’s cities, there’s cars, “and I don’t underst…
Oh, Bernie! “Hey, Bernie! Good to see you again.” “Hello, Carl. Hello, Carl. We need to talk.
I need your help.” “Did you pass Medicare for
All?” “It’s getting close.
We’re getting there.” (laughs) And finally,
some news from the tech world. If you’re worried
about being canceled because of your old tweets,
well, help is on the way. NEWSWOMAN:
Twitter is starting to test tweets that disappear
after 24 hours. The company is calling
the new format Fleets because of
their short-lived nature. The feature is similar
to Instagram stories and snaps on Snapchat. Fleets won’t be available
to be retweeted and won’t have likes,
but people can respond to them. That’s right. Soon,
you’ll be able to post tweets that get deleted automatically
after 24 hours, which means the Oscars
can have a host again. Yay! And I think… I think more apps
should incorporate this
feature. You know? Like, they should say
if you send a text message to someone you like
but they don’t reply, that message should also
disappear automatically because I’m not a loser. (cheering and applause) Just gonna leave me on read? And as much as I like this
I think there are a few ways that Twitter
can improve it even more. Like, they should say if
you send a tweet after
midnight, it automatically deletes itself
after two minutes. Yeah. No one says anything good
at that time. They should also have
another feature that, if the president sends a tweet, they should delete
before he hits send. -Yeah.
-(cheering and applause) Just have it disappear. He’ll just be sitting there,
like, “All these Mexica… “All these Mexica… I’m hungry.”


  • Marie E.

    Ok, the cleaning is ok, but do they know that they should spray and let it work for about 15 minutes and then wipe. Not good cleaning.

  • President Goyim

    If you have Coronavirus, I hear Congress is ALWAYS accepting donations. Coronavirus for Congress is a GREAT slogan!!!

  • Fair Witness

    If we make Jurassic Park, only the rich will be able to go. Then the dumbasses will get all cute and try something really nasty to scare the kids. It will break out, run rampant, eat all the rich people….

    Win, win!


  • Magus TheGreat

    As per that Popeye's joke, technically chicken is considered a descendant of T-rex, so in the hypothetical situation that it was possible for Popeye's to serve dino sandwiches, it's very possible they would taste fairly similar to what they do now. That's also why people who eat snake and other reptiles usually say it tastes like chicken.

  • Haider Khandakar

    I think Trevor behind the Coronavirus spreading because of the food. . Except for beef, lamb, chicken , every thing should be banned for the time being.

  • mrfuzztone

    What is the cost of treatment if you get Coronavirus? Does your insurance policy cover it if you have insurance?
    Maybe Medicare For All is a good idea.

  • Mr. Scoot Scooter

    No no no.

    You don't understand biology.

    I understand that Marco Polo wrote about seeing a BIPEDAL "dragon"

    I understand that Alexander The Great wrote about "giant dragons" battling with the Elephants of India.

    I understand Herodotus, Piny the Great and Aristotle all wrote of seeing flying reptiles.

    I understand "Behemoth" in the Bible is clearly a description of a Sarupod Dinosaur. "A tail that sways like a cedar tree"

    Name one animal that has a tail that is the size of a tree.

    You don't understand how you've been lied to.

    And that's sad.

  • Jessie Tian

    Why Trevor always talk about black ppl this and that but not talking about a few cases happened in USA recently, which were black ppl were being mad racist towards Chinese ppl even used violence, don’t get me wrong, I love this show, I watch it everyday, I jus feel like this show should be the voice for black ppl , also point out the mistakes black ppl did at times

  • tired2sleep

    I dont necessarily have confidence that the government will be able to solve a pandemic issue in America but I do believe that American people will be able to come together in trying times and overcome a pandemic together

  • Dina Brown

    They need the Chinese roomba machines to disinfect the subway lol. Seriously why does man try to play god with dino DNA. Did we learn nothing from Jeff Goldblum

  • Sr

    Everyone on the subways is taking coronavirus threat so seriously that they are cleaning the subway without any mask and uncovered arms.

  • Sam Henriques

    Idk if anyone else has seen this before but there was a pic of some person wiping they ass on the pole in the trains😭😭

  • Ceige

    coronavirus doesn’t infect people. people with coronavirus infect people. You get infected if u breath within 1m with the infected person. you clean all the transits but if one infected person walk by and breathe, people around will have a chance. the cleaners have the highest chance cuz they’re so close to it. it’s not that if you don’t touch it you’ll be fine. you literally have to protect your eyes nose mouth hands. This will sound over dramatic but wait until a cleaner gets infected. then you stop the cleaning?

  • Lord Lucius

    Oh great so now trump can say horrible shit and then once it’s gone he can deny its existence and spin his utter garbage slurs and the real fake news

  • angel lagrone

    Speaking of virus…

  • Bruce strkland

    Corona means crown. 👑 Receptor sites of virus are crowned. Flu shot effective 48% of the time. 80% resolve spontaneously. Making corona beer the most effective treatment known to man. Ya put the lime n the coconut 😛

  • DeJana L

    Can we just take a moment to appreciate how happy and full of energy trevor seems to be is in every single episode. It’s like the guy doesn’t have a bad day. I hope he truly is living his best life

  • Mike Mayhew

    When I wash my hands in public to protect myself from Kung Flu I'm gonna sing this song, its "catchy."  Hong Kong Fluey…

  • mearon1

    I live in Washington state, why dont you stop joking about this virus, we've got anywhere between 150-1500 possible cases and nine dead. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING JOKE

  • Carlos Minamisava

    You are awesome, Trevor, and Trump does tweet crazy shit, but I'm not a fan of joking about silencing people.

  • Truck Driver 101

    They don't normally clean the subway. All that money New York people pay in tax and fees. They can't even ride on a clean Subway without a pandemic.

  • Mathilde D

    Is no one gonna talk about how the person Trevor texts saying "miss u" is called David ??
    (Also, who tf texts their ex at 3 PM ??)

  • Randy Kin Amber

    I just canceled my flight to and show in Georgia because of corona virus 🦠 news . Is true or not I wanna know please. Someone to precise

  • Thaals Mythic


  • 林華生

    “When they tell you not to panic,that's when you run”.Becareful,American government is pure Hollywood.

  • Al-Mansur Sa'id

    "And its the reason even white people have switched to the fist bump"

    This one got me😹😹😹😹😹

  • Hope Hope

    Sometime i wanna laugh on myself that why i am in between so educated peoples who act far worse then uneducated lollllllll…..

  • Don Ethos

    If you don't care about the potential lethality of this virus, and you do not do what you can to help stop the spreading of it, then you are contributing to the deaths if millions of people by March 2021. If that is your mentality, your presence serves no real purpose, and you do not deserve to exist with those of us who care about the survival of the human race.

  • aprilshower7799

    They find million years old DNA but WHEN IT COMES TO CRIME….They SAY IT COULD NOT SURVIVE for so long…as DNA degrades

  • TheTaintedWisdom

    3:25 – I can't believe I never considered the possibility of dinosaurs being a potential source of food!
    Can you imagine how crazy it would be if something like Stegosauruses came back and farmers were like: "Guys, these things grow up faster than Cows, and are tasty as F*CK, we're switching to Stego-burgers!" I mean I get that scientifically speaking we've been eating "dinosaurs" like chickens for millennia, but I'm talkin' real dinos. Bringing an extinct species back from oblivion only to eat it is probably the most human thing our species could ever do. (I mean, besides polluting the planet so much that it becomes inhospitable for us and we all die, but we're already doing that.)

  • arjun s

    People are panicked….
    Fear will only make you vulnerable
    Don't panic… It's more dangerous than the virus itself

  • Abigail Majano

    How stupid, still thinking the earth is that old, instead of accepting the earth was created 6,000 years ago, of course you'll find DNA

  • zonescat

    Remember that regular hand sanitizer doesn't protect against viruses, just bacteria. You have to buy antimicrobial hand sanitizer, and it's only meant for when you absolutely can't wash your hands; it's not a replacement for it.

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