Well, I’m glad you’re in a great mood, because these
are pretty scary times. [ Laughter ]
I don’t mean politically. I mean
how Facebook and Instagram went down for hours yesterday. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Did you guys notice that
last night? Both Facebook and Instagram were
out for millions of people. And Tom from MySpace was like,
“I’m back in the game, baby! Let’s go!”
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Honestly, though,
it was terrifying. I had no idea Instagram was down
until I was out to dinner, and everyone was just walking
around the restaurant with their plates going, “Look.” [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter ] “Do you like it?” [ Laughter ] “Do you have
a short comment about it?” [ Laughter ] But the Facebook
and Instagram outage affected people
all over the world. Some people wound up
going on Twitter instead. Even Facebook was tweeting. [ Laughter ]
-What? -They said,
“We’re aware that some people are currently having trouble accessing the Facebook family
of apps. We’re working to resolve
the issue as soon as possible.” Yeah, Facebook tweeted.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] And Twitter saw their tweet, they actually
decided to post on LinkedIn. [ Laughter ] They said, “We’re aware
that some people have free time now that Instagram
and Facebook are down. Feel free to apply at Twitter,
which is still up and running.” [ Laughter ]
Well, LinkedIn saw that — [ Cheers and applause ] LinkedIn saw that and decided to
update their Tinder bio to say, “We’re aware that our site
is all about work, but sometimes you just want
to Netflix and chill.” [ Laughter ] But then Netflix saw that,
they went on Yelp to write a review that said,
“We are aware LinkedIn used our slogan
without our permission, and they best
get our name out their mouth. One out of five stars.” [ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. -And then,
Facebook finally came up. And Snapchat posted,
“Is anyone aware I still exist?” [ Laughter ]
And that’s just — that’s sad. -Sad. -Here’s another big story. This morning,
Beto O’Rourke announced that he’s running for president. [ Cheers and applause ] At first, Beto wasn’t sure
if he wanted to, but then he felt weird
being the only Democrat not running for president. [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, I heard Beto’s already the 15th Democrat
to join the race. Debates are gonna be like the
first episode of “The Bachelor.” A limo pulls up,
people just start piling out, like, “Hi! Nice to meet you.
I like walks on the beach.” People don’t know
much about Beto yet, but he’s a pretty young guy.
He’s 46 years old. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “I’ve got cough drops
in my pocket older than him.” [ Laughter and applause ] This guy’s already
getting a lot of buzz. In fact,
Beto’s on the cover of the latest issue
of “Vanity Fair.” Take a look at this.
Ooh, yeah. [ Audience “Oohs” ] Not afraid to say it —
he’s a good-looking guy. But if you’re looking
for a cool, handsome candidate to vote for,
just remember, Joe Biden’s gonna announce
any day now. [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ Bom, bom ♪ -But even though he just
announced his campaign, Beto’s already
out on the trail today. He was in Iowa talking to voters
in a coffee shop. Said some interesting stuff,
but to be honest, I was kind of distracted
by how much he moves his hands when he talks. You see this?
Watch this. -My wife, Amy,
who’s back in El Paso, Texas. And she’s getting them ready,
feeding them, and then taking them to school. I, even though this is the first
day, miss them terribly. [ Laughter ] -His Fitbit thinks he takes
3 million steps a day. -Wow.
-It’s insane. Like, “Wow!”
He’s all over the place. Even the President noticed
that he does this. Check out what Trump said
in the Oval Office today. -Well, I think he’s got
a lot of hand movement. I’ve never seen
so much hand movement. I said, “Is he crazy or is that
just the way he acts?” [ Laughter and applause ] -Hang on a second.
Can Trump really criticize someone for the way
they move their hands? I mean, just look at him. -They go to a wall, and then,
they go around the wall. They go around the wall and in. The red, right?
The red, beautiful red. [ Growling ] Ah, ah, ah. Pew pew pew! [ Cheers and applause ] -Some more big news
for Trump today. After he declared
that national emergency to get money
for his border wall, the House passed a resolution
against it. Then, today, the Senate
also voted against it. Which means now if Trump wants
to keep his national emergency, he’s got to issue a veto. And earlier today,
he sent a tweet, and this is real.
It just said, “Veto.” [ Laughter ] It’s the first veto by tweeto.
-Yeah. [ Laughter and applause ] -Finally, this is a crazy story. In Tennessee —
You gotta hear this, dude. -This is good.
-In Tennessee, a food-delivery guy was arrested after he got angry
about a bad tip. And he may have
overreacted a little bit. Listen to this. -Last month, Webb dipped
his man-parts in salsa because he was mad
about an 89-cent tip. [ Laughter, audience groans ] -So in the end, two people
were mad about the tip. [ Laughter ]
-Oy! [ Rim shot ] [ Applause ] -At Taco Bell,
they call that the number four. Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -That’s just insane.
-Oh, my God, that’s nuts. [ Laughter ]